Coming Full Circle

"Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived."-Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Time is a funny thing. It can go by so fast that when you stop to take a look back, weeks feel like months and months feel like years. All the while, it can feel like time has stopped. Four years ago at this time, I had made the decision to spread my wings from a 4 year relationship. It was one of the most defining moments of my life. It took much courage to gain the strength to stand up for myself and make him walk away. It wasn't easy but I knew it was the best thing for myself. I had been held back from living my life to the fullest. I acted out rebelliously in my own way. The weekend following the break-up, I went on a shopping spree for a whole new wardrobe, got my cartilage pierced (completely frowned upon by the ex), and opened up my home for a new roommate. I wanted my life to be as different as possible and a life I wanted to live. I was only 20 and it was my time to shine.

The next few months, I evolved into the party girl. I had "the" party house and people depended on me for drinks and entertainment. More roommates came and went, friends consistently changed with the tides, and my grades in college fluctuated. I didn't care about repercussions, but who does at that age? It was after I turned 21, I stopped drinking, kicked all the roommates out, and finally made an authentic attempt at getting my life back. I remember rearranging my house about 15 times the first month to make it "just right" and became extremely OCD. No one was allowed to sit on my couch. If you came over, you had to stand. I eventually cut out everyone except for my immediate family. I needed time to "find me". It was honestly one of the scariest times of my life. I had never truly been alone and especially THAT alone. I learned a lot and will always be thankful for that time.

The ex and I had been engaged and our wedding date was set for September 13. When that day came around, I was emotionally weak and cried all day. Unfortunately, across the street at my Mother's wedding venue, they had re booked and a wedding was taking place. I sat in my living room with the windows open and asked myself if I would ever find love again. I got a call that night and it was him. I claimed it was fate he would call for the first time on the day we were supposed to get married. Who cared if he was drunk off his ass or that he was at his girlfriends house? Who cared if I had made so much progress letting him go? It was the timing! I foolishly drove 45 minutes to pick him up. As he reeked of brandy, I decided I wanted to show him how I was a new person and told about everything I had done during our time apart. It was self-validation- my own way of saying "I didn't need you." I got sucked into idea of us being back together however.

Wedding talk began immediately. I went with the idea still it must be fate. The wedding date was set in January, and I would say I began planning the wedding but in all honesty, he began planning the wedding...with my Mother. I chalked it up to he wanted to be involved but I suddenly realized, I hadn't made any of the decisions. I wasn't even allowed to wear the dress I wanted. He told me "You are too pale to wear white and you can't tan, so you need to get an off-white dress. Oh, and it better not be strapless." I had to apologize on my wedding day that my dress didn't have the cap-sleeves due to my seamstress being unable to find enough fabric to add them. Two weeks before the wedding, an incident occurred that made me question if this was the right decision. I couldn't say anything. It was too close to time for the wedding, I was scared of him and what people would say if I called off the wedding. I went with it. I showed no emotion on the day of my wedding. Except for when I cried after the recessional. It hit me. "What have I done?" I don't know everything, but I know that is not the reaction you should have on your wedding day.

We fought on the honeymoon. He said I was controlling because I asked why he didn't tell me he had bought an expensive gun to add to his collection. (When I say collection...I mean an amount of weapons no one should be allowed to have in their home.) I was determined to make things work because I was not going to follow my family's footsteps of divorce. Four months went by and his drinking got out of hand again. He would get belligerently drunk in front of my family and would "dance" provocatively by himself. He would turn into a completely different person. Someone who would actually scare me when all I wanted was to feel protected. That's what husbands are supposed to do....protect their wife.  Fight after fight, he would continue to say I was controlling and a nag. Many nights I slept on the couch crying myself to sleep. This was not what I had pictured for my happy ending. My happy ending was around the corner.After 8 months of genuine efforts, I left him. He in no way, shape, or form wanted to reconcile.

Here we are- I moved back across the street from my Mom (different house from before though) and this time...I'm doing it right. No party girl, no rebellious peircings, no taking him back. I realize I could have avoided the detour and kept right on with my life of happiness. I wouldn't be the same person I am now. I wouldn't have ever realized what it is that I am looking for or be able to appreciate someone for all that they are. In a way, I came full circle...but on the other hand, I've started on the straight path.